just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
