we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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