His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
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Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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