I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
