Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
