One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
