i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
