The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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