upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
