Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My vagina is very pro this idea
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