I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
