if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
