two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
