standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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