If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
