Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
