dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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