I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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