At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
