this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
we're so committed to being not committed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
