Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
