im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
