david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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