noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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