DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My vagina just recognized that song.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
