she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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