fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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