Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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