the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
