my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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