So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
