just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
