Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
