remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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