I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
