he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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