dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
