It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
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