He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
