My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
