The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
