His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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