that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
