There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
