They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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