i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
