How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
