I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
