So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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