Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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