noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
