Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
