She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
