I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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