so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
