Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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