Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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